Raising Your Successful 35-Year-Old
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/04/09/raising-your-successful-35-year-old/?fb_ref=Default&_r=0
What do we mean when
we say we want to raise “successful” children? Too often, especially
around this time of year, that conversation centers on college or the
kinds of academics and activities that lead to college. “Success” is
hard to measure, and those external markers make for comforting
milestones along the way.
Comforting, but
dangerous. Because when checking off the achievement box is what defines
success, it’s too easy to forget that it’s the qualities in our
children that might lead to those accomplishments that matter — not the
goals themselves.
Achievements, from the
A on the science project to the letter of acceptance from Big U, can be
the gold stars for parents. They’re the visible signs that we’re doing
something right, and that makes it tempting to push our children
forward, just a little (or maybe a lot) by stepping in when it looks as
if they might not quite get there on their own. The working model of the
water cycle was her idea; we just “helped” build it. She did the
algebra homework; we just corrected it. He wrote the essay; we just
added some structure to the argument.
Those “justs” can be killers, says pediatrician Kenneth Ginsburg, author of “Raising Kids to Thrive”
(published by the American Academy of Pediatrics). Because while we
want to protect our children from harm, what we too often end up doing
is protecting them from learning. That help creep gets in the way of our
children experiencing the kind of results that teach lessons they need,
like “I could have done better if I’d worked harder” and “you can’t
leave things to the last minute and expect to do them well.” It teaches
them, instead, that their parents believe they are incapable of
achieving anything worthwhile on their own.
“We should be thinking
about the adult we’re raising from the day our children are born,” says
Dr. Ginsburg, and that means looking past the goals immediately in
front of them to the tenacious, resilient, empathetic, innovative person
you hope they will become. No one science project will teach all that,
but it’s the cumulative effect of many projects — projects done well,
projects done poorly, projects that were big dreams but out of reach and
projects that turned out exactly as planned, whether they look that way
to adult eyes or not — that builds up the muscles our children need as
adults.
Letting things turn
out poorly can be hard for parents, especially when it “matters.” We
extrapolate and catastrophize. Too much poorly done math homework will
mean my second grader never gets to calculus. A poor showing at the
audition he is not practicing for means he will never get another chance
at the state orchestra. It takes so long for children to learn the
lessons we think they should learn when things go awry — what if by the
time they’ve learned to do better, it’s too late for whatever we had in
mind?
When we parents catch
ourselves thinking that way, we need a goal reset. Dr. Ginsburg’s
metaphor for the parenting style that lets children experience their own
successes and failures is “lighthouse parenting.” “I want to be a model
for my child, a stable force that they can always see,” he says. “I
want to make sure that they don’t crash against the rocks, but I have to
make sure that they can ride the waves on their own.”
It’s distinguishing
between a crash and a rough wave that’s hard. “How do you protect and
let them learn? It’s a hard line to toe,” he says, especially as
children get older and their decisions begin to have longer-term
consequences. It’s easier to let a fifth grader fail a test she didn’t
study for than it is to look the other way when the same thing happens
to a high school junior, and on specific questions like that, there’s
“no prescription that applies to every kid,” he says.
Parents, he suggests,
should focus on giving children navigational skills. Instead of talking
to a teacher about how a child could improve a grade, send the child in
herself, but help her practice what to say. Don’t nag endlessly about
homework, but help create a study or project timetable that would make
it possible to get it all done. When the cardboard water cycle model
fails to hold water, help her think of the best way to present her
now-soggy project without it, congratulate her on thinking big, and
remind her that not everything works perfectly the first time.
Raising a successful
adult means letting a child be a child, with all the mistakes and
consequences and learning that come with childhood. If we cover up our
children’s best work with ours, they learn that their best isn’t good
enough. If we cover up their weak efforts with our willingness to do
more, then they’ll never learn that more is worth doing. If we prop up
their procrastination with our ability to nag and cajole, they’ll never
learn to discipline themselves. And if we insist on prizing the result
more than the process, they’ll never learn that sometimes it’s worth it
to shoot for the moon, even if you don’t get there.
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